We shouldn’t be having this conversation!

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Have you ever found yourself in the midst of a conversation that you know, without a doubt, will get you nowhere? One of those “we shouldn’t be having this conversation” types of conversations drained far too much of my energy yesterday. In fact, after I went to bed, I thought, “dang, I didn’t even write a blog today, and I had planned on writing one every day this year, that didn’t last long!” I started to get out of bed, but then thought “nah, a blog is not worth getting out of bed for.” Besides, I was hard pressed to think of the funnier parts of my day….

My day started out on the kind of blah side anyway. Blondie wasn’t  home, and the whole morning was thrown off. She spent the night with cousins, which I love, but I missed our morning banter that sets my silly for the day. She inevitably invades my bathroom every morning. She uses my shower, my toilet, my hairbrush, my make-up, my toothpaste, she just comes in and takes over. And every morning I say to her “this is my bathroom, your bathroom is in the hallway with the rest of the children.” Then I usually yell “get out” while pretending that I am about to spank this almost-17-year-old teenager as if she were a naughty toddler. To which she replies “I’m not going in there, 5 little boys use that bathroom!” And she runs away with my favorite make-up brush in hand. She’s right, I don’t go in there either, except for when I hit it with the spray bottle of bleach every morning. But without our fake little argument to start the day, my mind drifted off to unsettled issues in my life, that I have been unsure of how to handle. And then, I got myself into the conversation I should not have been having, and I couldn’t just ignore it and walk away. One day I will learn that logging into Facebook is not a requirement in my daily routine.

Having that kind of morning put my sarcasm on the tip of my tongue so all day yesterday, it took a great deal of effort to keep it in my mouth. I had smart-ellick comments ready to fire off for every single thing said to me yesterday. I’m afraid it started in a long meeting in the District Attorney’s office. Mind you, he is on my side, and I should be fully focusing my attention on every word he has to say, but I can’t stop myself from wondering how funny it would be if the radio popped on and the morning D.J.’s were doing the “bad LAWYER joke of the day,” in their over-exaggerated voices and then I was “googling”, in my mind of course, ‘bad lawyer jokes’ and conjuring up images that said ‘displaying 30 of 650,000 results’…. Then I thought, he probably wouldn’t laugh too much to know I am sitting here, in this very important meeting, wishing I knew some tacky lawyer jokes to tell and desperately wishing it were acceptable etiquette to text on my phone because again, I suckered myself into that no good going in circles never meeting in the middle conversation that had left Facebook and landed on mobile device instead.

As hard as I tried to find a positive spin on it, that conversation had me in a pretty soured mood. Have you ever wanted a  magic “see things my way right now” wand? I know if I could mix up a potion that promised those results I would rake in the dough as fast as Bill Gates does. Not only would I be filthy rich, I would go around sprinkling it every time I wasn’t in the mood to debate.

To tell the absolute truth, a debater I am. I can argue any side of any issue, the problem is that my arguing skills (that once had me dreaming of becoming one of those “bad lawyers”) don’t always mesh well with my co-dependent need to please people… but hey, didn’t I already say I was nipping that one in the bud this year? To me, debating is always good. I believe you never fully know how you feel about an issue until you lay out all the facts, all the possibilities, and examine from every single side. Not until you try to prove yourself wrong can you fully believe that you are right! So what really frustrates me is when others won’t dig into something. Get your hands dirty, take it apart, look at every piece, and then, THEN, put it back together. That’s the way I like to do things… it works for me.

I don’t believe in just saying “it is what it is”, unless you really do know exactly what it is! I hear that phrase a lot, “it is what it is” and yesterday I rebuked it, right there on Facebook, yep, I said it. It is not what it is, it IS what YOU MAKE IT! If you don’t like something, make an effort to just not accept it, but change it. Admittedly, there are things that cannot be changed, but so much in this world could be better if honest efforts were made on every side of the fence. This most definitely includes myself… but here I am, willing to look at what it is, and find a better way for what it could be, and I am on frustration overload because I don’t have the workers bees I need to manage this hive! (I am sure I am the Queen Bee, don’t ya think?)

So I get in the car with my sister, and we are chatting a little about our meeting with these lawyers, and she says “it is what it is” and I say “would you like me to slap you now, or when we get back home?”

Needless to say, my entire day was emotionally draining, so when I closed my eyes, I tried to search back through the day to find some moments to bring laughter to the forefront. I like to go to sleep with happy thoughts, otherwise, my brain doesn’t shut down and I think and rethink things until 4 am and have imaginary conversations with adversaries in my mind. This practice doesn’t make for healthy sleeping, so I challenge myself to find three amusing things about my day, and behold, it was absolutely possible!

My first moment of amusement happened when I opened a gift my mother sent to me. It was a bottle of Jalapeno Wine. No, I did not type that wrong. Yes, Jalapeno Wine. I fully felt as though the day I had deserved a bottle of wine, but perhaps I should have chosen something a little more, shall we say, grocery store mainstream? But I was determined to taste it, so Jalapeno wine it was! It said right there on the bottle, 80% jalapeno juice, 20% white wine. Hmmmmm….. But I like jalapenos. I love jalapeno jelly. I eat hot sauce on almost everything. Why not? So after it took my husband about 15 minutes to open it (we never bought wine with a cork in it before! Ours always has a twist on top…. I know, we completely lack sophistication, but those Arbor Mist commercials used to be so funny… anyway, opening this bottle required our son and his Swiss army knife, and he was excited to finally use the cork screw feature!) I smelled. I thought about it for a second. “What the heck”, I said to myself, and I drank it. To be honest, I didn’t hate it. I don’t know if I liked it, but I strangely wanted to keep tasting it, to just savor the flavor, to decide what I thought of it… I think it tasted something like having nachos in a fancy French restaurant oddly out-of-place. Then my husband, who never ever EVER drinks wine, said “I’ll taste it.” When am I gonna learn to keep that video camera in hand at all times? We are missing tons of opportunities to go viral on YouTube. He drank it in, and as quick as it hit his lips, he spit it into the sink in the most over-animated way I have ever seen. He poured his glass down the drain pretty quick, and I couldn’t help but laugh… he looked like a kid who had been tricked into thinking his broccoli was gonna taste just like chocolate pie… imagine the shock that would send through the taste buds!

The second, somewhat amusing part of my day was that  as I came home from the lawyer’s office, out ran my oldest son proclaiming “I saved Tucker’s life! He swallowed a piece of plastic and he was choking, and I did the Heimlich and I saved him!” Panic set it my throat, thinking “OMG”, and I looked over my 8-year-old carefully, his tear-stained face an obvious side effect of the afternoon he somehow survived. “What happened?” I had to ask….. “Dylan was beating me up and I swallowed something plastic”…. “Wonderful, so you saved your little brother because you almost killed him? Priceless!” To which Dylan replies, “hey, I saved his life.” And I answered with “yeah, I would think its more like you save your ass”. (Forgive the bad word, but I didn’t edit it in real life either… direct quote there.) Imagine the trouble you would be in if you hadn’t managed to solve that problem…. I don’t WANT to imagine how that could have gone, especially since just hours before all of this, somewhere between the conversation and the lawyers, I had broken up a fight and offered up a long lecture on how brothers are special and shouldn’t keep fighting all the time… yeah, they were listening! I can say this, big brother definitely has some stories to tell at school today. Over his holiday break, his dog died, he received his Grandpa’s gun as a Christmas gift, he went for joyride with said Grandpa and the wheel fell off the old El Camino they were driving, on I-35, in traffic, and they came within inches of a concrete wall, barely escaping serious harm, he was forced to rake the leaves, and he almost killed his little brother… I hope he has some kind of essay today like we used to have entitles “All About My Christmas Vacation.” If it doesn’t hit the best seller list it will surely make for some teacher’s lounge entertainment.

Now, I did say there were three amusing pieces of my day, and leave it to Blondie to ice the cake. I have said it once, I have said it twice, and I will surely blog it a thousand times. This girl is GEOGRAPHICALLY CHALLENGED! (See passports and the geographically challenged.) For spring break, she is supposed to go on a trip to Disneyland, and she is a little nervous about her first airplane ride, so we are talking about this, and what did she ask?? “Is California IN Florida?”

Like I’ve said before, I couldn’t make this stuff up…..

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