Back in the days when my husband picked me up in a Wal-Mart parking lot and stole my heart completely, I thought for sure his obsession with Van Halen would be something he would outgrow. How many countless hours have I spent listening to him calling his bff (yes, boys have bff’s, they just skip the matching bracelets), then his cousin, in the endless debate over Sammy vs. Dave….
Now, if I haven’t told you this already, most of the people in my house are blessed with the gifts of ADD/ADHD. Yes, they are gifts. However, its not always easy to process these gifts, and living with my husband can be a bit like watching David Lee Roth sing “Jump”. There’s only so much of it a girl can take…. 16 years is enough already! I don’t care if Dave puts on a better show. I don’t care if Sammy is more of an artist who writes better songs. I don’t care if Wolfie can really play the bass. I don’t care if this new singer is really an old singer they have resurrected. I’m just glad that in this world of cell phones long distance calling no longer breaks the already broken bank. I can remember the days when I had to teach Sean how to dial 10-10-811 before using long distance so that we could actually afford to pay the bill…. Which was a lot cheaper than the gas he used up a time or two driving to Houston AND back, ON A WORK NIGHT, so that he could see Van Halen LIVE. On one of those expeditions, after spending our hard-earned money on Van Halen tickets and driving to Houston on a Wednesday night, my husband learned that his 19-year-old cousin wasn’t old enough to get into the show. Did this deter him? Of course not. He simply joined the crew out back unloading the beer trucks, carried in a few cases, and spent his evening rocking out with Sammy Hagar. For weeks, I had to listen to the back and forth phone calls about how he was right there backstage, thanks to a few cases of Miller Lite!
Lucky for me, the Gary Cheron years did not impress hubby, cousin, or bff, so life in the Van Halen lane has been peaceful. UNTIL LAST WEEK! YouTube, oh YouTube, how do you disappoint me? Let me count thy ways? Seriously, do we have to have so many Van Halen videos uploaded? Don’t get me wrong, I am down for some 1980’s hair band rock, just not THESE guys! Can’t we blast some “Welcome to the Jungle” instead? No, it’s all “Hot for Teacher” and “Humans Being”… For two weeks, my husband has come home from work every night to watch them… and last night I learned why… the NEW Van Halen album has been released…
Phone calls have commenced. Ears are bleeding. I’m shouting in the background that Van Halen sucks. The internet slows, he has to wait for the video to load, as if we were on old-fashioned dial-up… I’m secretly wishing I could hack into my own computer right now and create a pop-up on the screen that says “THESE SPEAKERS REFUSE TO PLAY CRAPPY MUSIC!”
Finally, the video loads…. drum roll please… Save yourself and don’t watch, but if you must… http://youtu.be/3WfQ-hV3WtA Let me warn you first: Van Halen died, or at least their music did… If anything these past-their-prime rockers are good for a laugh, especially when Roth’s lips don’t even match the words that come out of it, something reminiscent of a Bruce Lee movie… But don’t take it from me, a well-known VH-hater, I have proof. Shortly after I said “really, that’s their new album?? That sucks. Simon Cowell would call that bad karaoke in a run down bar on the bad side of town at best,” I heard him in our room, making the phone calls, “yeah dude, you’re right, it totally sucks,” he said in his best 1980 buddy banter, and then he hollered out “What’s that you said about Simon Cowell?”
“I said Van Halen died, now get off the phone, because somebody pooped in the bath tub, and that’s a Daddy-job!”