Megan Fox Flashed Me


If you haven’t caught on to the idea that crazy stuff is always happening around here, let me entertain you with one of our latest train wreck moments. The county sheriff had to stop by and bring me some paperwork. Sadly one of my children was the victim of identity theft. But that’s another story. So the sheriff gets here, and lucky me, I actually had all my dogs in the house for a change, instead of out chasing cars! Which was a good thing since that same sheriff stopped by a year or two ago to tell me that my dog really drives one of my neighbors insane!

I was feeling like I was the mom who had it all together. The house was clean, shocker! The kids were watching a movie without using my couch as a boxing ring, double shocker! And the boys had even taken out the trash, so I was three for three! I walked over to my desk to look for the specific social security number when I noticed the power button on the printer was flashing that lovely error light everyone dreads.

I’m kind of wondering with all the fancy new technology they have in this world, why isn’t there a printer that can clear it’s own jam yet? The oven cleans itself, computers can fix themselves, so when will they invent a printer that just spits that jam out all by itself? Anyway, I pulled out the paper intensely impacted in there because children don’t seem to realize notebook paper isn’t meant for inkjet printers and as soon as I had the jam cleared the printer immediately started spitting out pictures.

At first I expected to see hot rods steadily streaming out, so I turned my attention back to the sheriff and just as I started to speak, a naked girl caught the corner of my eye. I looked down, horrified, to see Megan Fox naked as the day she was born. I quickly crumbled her and tossed her in the trash only to see her identical twin coming out of the printer.

I didn’t know what to say, I was mortified. I couldn’t clear the printer queue fast enough. I can’t tell you how awkward it is to be sitting at your desk with naked girls spooling out as fast as they can while an officer of the law is standing over you. It just feels all kinds of wrong. Especially when all the boys in sight are of the elementary school age!

So we finally got through our business, and the sheriff went on his way. I will tell you it took me 1.3 seconds to yell “DYLAN!!!” He came in the house, with a puzzled expression on his face. Immediately I asked him “what are the rules around here about the internet?”

He was clearly confused. But he’s 13, and a boy. Seems like the likely culprit to me! But part of me wanted to believe him, because the only thing I ever see this kid looking at is Craigslist. He’s forever looking at cars, dirt bikes, motorcycles and junk parts, but he doesn’t even check his Facebook more than twice a year. And he’s more interested in cars than girls at this point. But if he didn’t do it… well….. there was mystery to solve!

Daddy got home and of course I gave him the Megan Fox 3rd degree… but he too seemed to be innocent of all charges. It’s been a few weeks, and even though I gave up on solving the mystery, I have taken to locking the computer at all times. Then last night my 9 year old had over his best friend. Sometimes his little friend brings along his big brother, and all the boys have a sleepover.  In fact, it’s nothing for there to be 11 or 12 kids here on any given day.

The boys were busy playing when Dylan suddenly brought up the Megan Fox incident. My son is not one to argue often, but he is always deeply bothered when his honesty is questioned, and apparently he had been patiently waiting for the chance to prove his innocence. Indeed, the mystery was solved! Turns out, the big brother had been the one to try and print Megan Fox, and his little brother was happy to rat him out. I feel much better knowing that my son understands clearly that we have rules about using the internet, and that he follows those rules, and also, he is now very aware that when he gets to the age of naked pictures, he better hide them well like his father’s fathers and their father’s before him. I’m all for open lines of communication, but I just really don’t want to see all of Miss Megan.

But if I’ve gotta find a bright side in this one, I’ll say this: Thank GOODNESS it was Megan Fox and not Roseanne Bar who graced the rollers of my inkjet, because had I seen Roseanne naked, I might’ve asked that sheriff to just shoot me!


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