I know you’ve been the one to go to school every day most of the days for the past 13 years, and you’re the one who passed all the tests and finished the classes, but this graduation isn’t just about you. It’s about a journey, a journey between the two of us.
You see, my life is sort of divided between the years before you and the years since. You, my sweet son, changed who I am.
I was a wife and a step-mom before you were born. And I like to think my mothering was pretty good. BUT YOU brought out my MAMA BEAR.
The first moment I saw you, the majesty of the heavens paled in comparison to this miracle I made. Oh yeah, Daddy made you too, but that’s a different story.
I stared at you for hours thinking “holy crap, you were inside of me!” The bigger you grew, the more that amazed me. All the sudden one day I looked up at this young man who was taller than both his parents and I said to myself “that was my tiny little Dyl Pickle” and I looked at my hand and remembered how you once sat so small in my cradled arm. Read the rest of this entry →
I grew up as a step-child. My parents divorced when I was four years old. The step-grandparents, aunts, uncles, cousins- they were nice to me. But there were those awkward moments when I felt like an outsider, or a misfit.
I’m not putting anyone down. My parents were just navigating the rocky waters that happen after a divorce. However, those little moments where I felt like I was on the outside changed the mother I was going to be. Read the rest of this entry →
I can’t believe the day has finally arrived. I’ve watched Blondie and her beau prepare for months now! The stars have finally aligned.
I always knew this day would come. I just never knew when. To tell you the truth, when Blondie came home from Nashville I prayed and prayed that she wouldn’t give up on her music.
I knew she’d want to live close to her family with a baby on the way. That makes perfect sense. And bless this son-in-law of mine that tolerates living one house over from his in-laws. You know that’s got to be tough some days! Read the rest of this entry →
So much has been going on in this zoo of mine. My son is 17 days away from graduation. It’s been quite a ride with that kid. He’s an amazing young man. He’s smart. But the classroom hasn’t been his forte. He’s bored in there. He’d rather build something. I think he’s put together 5 cars since school started.
He drug home one little S-10 truck and put a V8 in it. If you’re not a car person, let’s just say tiny truck + big motor = FAST & LOUD. I’m excited to see what Dylan’s gonna do with his life. I’m proud of the man he’s become. He might not turn in his geometry, but if you’re fishing at the river and you get stuck in the mud, I guarantee he’ll be right there with his truck and a chain to save the day.
I don’t think it’s really sinking in just yet. 17 days and that little bitty baby will be done with the biggest chunk of childhood and I’ll have to give up my efforts to micro-manage him once and for all. Read the rest of this entry →
You’ve been gone for 13 years now… and I still think of you every single day. But especially on our day. On our day, I sing the Beatles and miss you like crazy.
I’m afraid I don’t sing it quite the same way, but hey, I sing it to you!
Most years I cry. But the tears aren’t as awful as they used to be. The hole is still deep in my heart, but I’ve learned to smile when I miss you.
I wish I had more pictures of us together. I wish I had more pictures of you. There are never enough memories when you cross my mind.
Mama Jimmie, Softy, Me 1991
We were lighting up our ears with Christmas lights… Silly as always
My grandfather and I at our last birthday dinner
Last year was probably the worst year of my life. I hope nothing ever tops it. I was scared most days. I thought any moment everything was going to implode. I worried about my daughters. I worried about my sons. I worried about my marriage. And I worried about the strain our troubles were taking on the entire family. I could feel the sorrow every time I talked with my mom or my dad and it just made my heart ache.
So many times I thought about you. I just know you would of had the perfect words of wisdom to get me through the rock bottom of my existence.
There were days when I tried to channel your voice and give myself a pep talk.
The other night I had this dream. You will still here. My step-dad too. And I was talking to both of you. And I was listening to you tell me you’d been here each day. You were telling me all about the things I’d been through, just to prove you were never far away. I woke up feeling your presence. In fact, I was calling your name out loud.
Sometimes I get those dreams and I see you and I don’t even want to get out of bed because I don’t want to lose that moment. But I have to get up. These kids will knock the walls down if I’m not watching carefully.
You know 40 started off rough, but it sure did turn around. I’m finally finishing college. I know, it took me a few decades. That’s ok. The more amazing thing is that I’m a writer. A real bonafide cash-the-check writer!
And my kids are doing amazing things. Blondie got married and her dreams are slowly coming true. My Dyl Pickle is graduating. And the rest of the crew is moving right along. Tucker is going to high school. I always wish you had seen him just once. I still think of you in the hospital that last night I saw you. You said “wee Willy Tucker, that silly little f—–fellow.” He was born 41 days after you passed on. I’m not sure how my dad came up with the exact same sentence, but he did. Isn’t that ironic?
Trenton is headed to Junior High which will make the twins the rulers of intermediate school- big fifth graders! And KK is only one step behind, but you know all this, because you’re still here. I know you’re here.
When I feel like breaking down, I say to myself “Girl get yourself together. Softy is gonna see you fall apart” and that’s how I pick myself up when the days are overwhelming.
41 is going to be amazing, I just know it is. Whether I’m conquering the world wide web or tucking my grandbaby into bed, I know you’re part of me and I never let that go.
My grandfather and I at our last birthday dinner
And now when I think of our birthday, I smile more than I cry. You were the greatest gift the good Lord ever gave me. Grandfathers have a way of making the world magical, and you did exactly that.
So Happy Birthday Softy. I still miss you, but today I’m gonna try not to cry, because it’s my birthday too!
This morning I was dropping off my son’s medicine at the Junior High. I was rushing from school to school because it’s STAAR testing day in the great State of Texas.
I won’t bore you with my feelings about standardized testing. Not today. But for the record, I don’t believe the STAAR test is the right way to encourage achievement in education.
However, this morning my focus was encouraging my kids to do their very best. I wanted to send them to school full of beliefs. They are able to conquer STAAR Mountain!
As I came out of the Junior High I noticed a father parked in front of the school. Maybe he was a grandfather or an uncle, but for the sake of this story, he’s just Dad. Read the rest of this entry →
Valentine’s Day really isn’t my favorite holiday, but I’ve said that before. It just never lives up to those movie-made expectations. I’m always left feeling sort-of bah-humbug. But this year I didn’t have a bad Valentine’s Day…
I didn’t sit around and write 65 cards for my kids to pass out. I sort of hate that tradition because I know where those cards end up. I also didn’t spend 19 hours perfecting the most amazing Pinterest cupcakes ever. Because I also know exactly where those cupcakes wind up. Instead the ZooCrew requested “Fruit Rollup Valentine’s”… AHHHH! The best of both worlds! A cool valentine + a snack for the party rolled into one! I’m loving the Type B personality that has taken over my life. Simple AND impressive: that’s how I roll! (OK, that’s how I’m learning to roll. Better?)
You are so young and precious and innocent. You pass your days amidst sippy cups and Cheerios; amidst Minnie Mouse and your beloved dolls and toy kitchen.
But someday—sooner than I’d like—you’re going to grow up. And you’re probably going to hear a lot about something that’s happening right now.
You’ll learn about the unprecedented election of President Donald Trump, and you’ll learn about the thousands and thousands of women who came out to march all over the country in protest.
They were very loud. Some screamed; others gave speeches. Many carried big signs; others locked arms together. Some even wore “funny” outfits.
What were they upset about? I’ll tell you, sweet one.
They’re mad because we women don’t make as much money as men. They’re mad because we women don’t have full rights over our bodies. They’re mad because we women have to pay…
As parents, it’s easy to see where our children need love. They need love when they’ve had a bad day at school. They need love when they missed the ball at practice. They need love when their brother tore the head off their favorite baby doll. And they need love when the dog won’t play with them after they spilled their noodles on the floor and when they lied about finishing their homework. The job of a parent might include the roles of chef, chauffeur, nurse, counselor, teacher, preacher, laundry-doer, and referee; but no matter which role you’re taking on, being a parent always involves dishing out love.
As moms and dads, we’re consumed with the needs of our children. We want to build their self-esteem and their character. We want to foster creativity and inspire faith. We try to teach them to play fair and share. We spend every waking moment creating this list of things to do just make sure we’re hitting the mark. But there is one thing we sometimes forget, and it’s really simple. We’re people too!
Just because we’re parents doesn’t mean we don’t have our own inexplicable bouts of grumpiness. Being moms doesn’t make us exempt from overwhelming loneliness or feelings of failure. Sometimes the hardest thing to do is to stop ourselves in the middle of our own destructive patterns and just let love in.
There is something really wonderful that happens when your daughter becomes a mother. You get smarter. Really!
For 5 years past their expiration date I heard “If you had just let me go to this party” and “well you should have let me do that instead” and now that Ms. Presley Layne has hit her not-so-terrible two’s, it’s all “I’m so glad you didn’t let me do that” and “how did you know I’d go there?”
You see, my life is sort of divided between the years before you and the years since. You, my sweet son, changed who I am.
